Image Field: 

In a perfect world, no one would be allowed to attend a party without first attempting to plan one of their own, so that they might appreciate the amount of work and worry required and thus show due respect to their host or hostess. Of course such a requirement creates a bit of a paradox, so we cannot expect everyone to know just how maddening the planning process can be. One must simply accept that even guests who can be most gracious as attendees may yet neglect the first and most fundamental part of the invitation: the RSVP.

Common courtesy—like common sense—is often anything but common. It goes without saying that we all have lapses; even the most well-intentioned and otherwise organized individuals will find themselves double- or even triple-booked before they know it, and at that point proximity and professional priority will dictate a schedule. Planners will learn to not take this personally, and the chagrinned, would-be guest should never be made to feel too loathsome for the inconvenience as long as they made the effort.

And therein lies the key: Effort! The simple effort of acknowledging the hospitality of others.

Though almost all of this will seem to be axiomatic and require no explanation, let us set down an Ars RSVP for our hectic times. For as the means by which we communicate change, so must our customs...though not drastically.

Saying No

Gallery openings, charity balls, cocktail soirees, lectures and seminars, fundraisers: The abundance of invitations that one receives to large events may belie that one is virtually interchangeable with another face—or checkbook—in the crowd. Certainly, if one is simply invited from a mailing list, it can seem that one is being solicited more than one is being invited, and then one becomes weary and leery of it all. But an invitation is an invitation, and one would be accommodated if one were to accept, and so it is still considerate to give a polite No. If one feels put upon, then one should politely ask to be removed from the list. It is as simple as that. It may seem polite to feign interest in an organization or cause for which you no longer have time. “It could even flatter the organization to have one more subscriber, after all!” Ultimately, this sort of list inflation humors no one and can send mixed signals. Honesty is (almost) always the best policy.

No matter what the size of the party may be, a lack of response to an invitation is not an explicit No and shall not be taken as such by prudent planners who do not know the schedules of every invitee. Some invitees seem to think, “If I don’t respond, then it is logical to assume that I am not coming!” But letters can be lost and e-mails can be caught by overzealous spam filters, and conscientious planners will err on the side of caution to provide for inevitable last minute additions, often resulting in wasted time and resources. An extra cup is expected at a Seder, but embarrassing elswhere, particularly when the planners are working on a limited budget for an organization. Again, the rule for small parties applies to large, impersonal ones: A simple No is an immense help. That it requires less effort does not make it trivial, but rather all the more inexcusable if one does not make the time to do it.

As for smaller, more personal events, a little more effort could be in order. There was an age when declining an invitation practically compelled one to sit down and write a letter to thank the host, provide reasons for one’s absence and perhaps even address subjects that might have been discussed were one able to attend. This courtesy is not extinct among those who can make the time for it, and it is easier than ever it was before to make that contact—though I must say that I am sentimental, and the hand-written response remains the truest sign of appreciation.  We now live in such a busy age that some may actually find this courtesy a sign of idleness, eccentricity or even narcissism. I lament that many are taught to make such sad assumptions in this often impersonal world, and more is the pity for them. However, I guarantee that such courtesy will be appreciated by many hosts—especially if they are holding court at some point during the event—and will guarantee that one can truly attend in spirit.

Maybe

Ah, the dreaded Maybe. In the Book of Revelations, God states quite explicitly that he will spit from his mouth all who are lukewarm. Thankfully, most party planners aren’t quite so judgmental, though oftentimes I am sure that they wish they could be.

Has indecision ever been a form of courtesy? Has Maybe ever been a desirable answer? I daresay that it hasn’t, but it is sometimes a necessary one, and digital media has been quick to pick up on it. Every electronic platform for invitations includes a requisite Maybe option for RSVPs, and this lackadaisical response is quickly abused.

A Maybe should mean “I will attend time/weather/circumstances permitting” and should always be qualified regarding whether or not the host should expect to provide for the invitee—and they should not expect much at all if they have not clarified by the time the host has gone shopping. Frankly, if the answer is still a Maybe two days before the event and the invitee has not been kept the host apprised, then the answer can assumed to be No and the invitee should have a good reason for not being more upfront.

A Maybe should never mean “If I feel like it.” Sadly, it is often used this way, and planners may perceive it as a slight even if one is genuinely interested. Furthermore, there are already so many variables involved in the execution of a party, and the matter of who MIGHT be attending should be made of little concern. It is best to avoid Maybe, but, if one must use it, then once again a little extra communication goes a long way in ensuring that the event is successful and that one does not fluster or burden the host without even walking through the door.

Of course, if the event is informal, a Maybe could be acceptable, and I do not wish to oppose use of it too vehemently. Just use proper judgment: If you cannot commit because you find yourself marginally interested in—or worse, nuisanced by—the invitation, then simply be honest with yourself and give a categorical No. Guests lists and life in general are already too cluttered to waste energy on these matters. Say No and move on, or say Yes!

Saying Yes

Ah! The ideal scenario: One has the time, the interest, the invite. Hosts are sometimes too polite to ask invitees to reply hastily, but one should always do it as soon as one is certain. Planners always appreciate early notice—may even be complimented by it.

Of course, saying Yes is easy, and following through is the sometimes difficult part, as life always finds a way of intervening. Again, I hardly need mention that early notice is best if one must cancel. It is also worth mentioning that ideal hosts will never browbeat an invitee who failed to attend. Certainly, if the would-be guests showed little regard and cancelled without proper cause, a host should not feel compelled to invite them in the future, but neither should they dwell on it. One encounters from time to time a few hosts who will hold grudges about such slights. I must say, if you are easily slighted, wounded or frazzled, then you probably should not host a party in the first place.

That said, if one is going to be late, a little notice is helpful, but too much is a distraction to the host. Even those among us who deplore text messaging must admit that while hosting a party a single, simple text is preferable to a phone call, so if one is running rather late for the schedule, one should text...but not give a play-by-play either.

More food for thought: Longer, larger parties and events often have mishaps and supplies can run out, so late guests can come to the rescue if they offer to pick up what is necessary. Of course, some hosts might take this as an affront to their planning abilities if one does it in the wrong way, so one should be prudent in how and whom one asks.

Conclusion

That should cover the very basics of the Ars RSVP. So as the holiday season approaches and invitations to parties, fundraisers and galas come by the bushel, do not fail to be a good guest from the moment that the invitation enters your hand to the moment that you shake the hand of your gracious hosts.

Cheers, all you conscientious revelers.